Overboard!

My oatmeal exploded in the microwave this morning.
It spilled out over the sides and onto the spinning microwave plate.
Most of the blueberries were capsized, but
I ate it anyway.

It was the first thing I'd really eaten since Wednesday.

I WANT MY APPETITE BACK!!

Please.

She said I looked 18.

The lady at Advanced Medical Imagining was shocked at how old I was. Twenty-four... like the hours in a day. She said I looked 18. I found this ironic as I clung to the elevator railing in pain and tried not to pee myself. I felt a lot older than my age...  much, much older. Well at least thats what I would think being in the state I was.... I wouldn't know. I've never been older, so how would I know if this was how older really felt?

But I do remember 18, and it was wonderful. It was before the pain started, before ultrasounds and having to hold gallons of liquid in my screaming bladder, before tiredness and weakness, before days where I wanted to throw in the towel. And she's shaking her head and saying I look so young.

Maybe we can never say what someone is supposed to be feeling at their age. I don't believe in "you're too young for this" anymore... I do believe that no body was meant for sickness and pain, though. I do believe that wholeness was the original design and still is God's intent for mankind. I do believe in God's ability and desire for healing and restoration.

So I guess, no matter what your age is, God doesn't want you to feel "old". If old means pain and sickness...

I don't know why I have to go through this, but I'm not putting up with it. As in, I'm not giving in to thinking this is some kind of lesson or pay-back or judgement for something I did or did not do. God isn't trying to teach me something by making me go through this... but I know he is good enough to show me his heart and I will learn something (if I want to) along the way. That something might even be that he IS really who he says he is. haha.

NO ONE deserves pain. Hold on let me think about that one... Maybe its the opposite...

WE ALL deserve pain...?
And it's by the grace of God that we're freed from it and get what we do not deserve.

Which brings me to another thing... lately I've been thinking that undeserved forgiveness can really be called unconditional love.

 There is no condition that can convince that person, that deity, that super natural being, to love me any more or any less than they already do... and it is Jesus who paid the price for my freedom.

We simply can not change God's heart toward us. He is always good. It's his nature. Goodness and God are one thing.


So, when I have a bad day... if I can just remember that truth, I know everything will be okay and sitting in the doctors office with only my socks on, trying not to pee myself can actually be hopeful.